Many people have experienced a personality clash in their lifetime that has caused internal stress. When meeting a potential in-law and there is an instantaneous dislike, it's generally experienced by both individuals. There's always an underlying reason and getting to the bottom of the issue is important otherwise it can result in years of emotional turmoil for everyone in the family.
Values and belief systems originate from childhood and further develop throughout adulthood. In some, these values and beliefs become deeply entrenched to the point that it can be categorized as neophobia. In the fourth edition of Philosophy, An Introduction to the Art of Wondering, neophobia is defined as being afraid of new objects, unfamiliar behavioral patterns in others, strange feelings within self or any other new and threatening element of life that is not understood, including other's values.
Clashes Come in Several Guises
- Different Approaches: A disagreement of this type happens when people's values and beliefs and ways of expressing them differ.
- Opposite Personalities: The classic personality types are the introvert and extrovert as well as the emotional-led and the logical-led. Clashes occur when logical-led people are irritated by emotional-led people who act on instinct and feeling and are unable to verbally express their actions as well as a logical-led person.
- Irrational: In these situations, people behave unreasonably by objecting to someone's race, religion, beliefs or sexual orientation and toss out “acc-you-sations” that create an instant clash.
- Professional Differences of Opinions: A person's professional approach to an issue may be so radical that there's an instant clash.
- Internal Hostility: When a person with low self-esteem meets another person who appears to “have it all”, (winning personality, personal achievements, financial status), there often is an instant one-way clash. When the person who “has it all” sees aspects of the other person's life of which they are envious, then the clash is mutual.
Working it Out
Behind every clash, there are two people who need to examine their values and belief systems and accept the other person for who he is. If one of the two parties is not willing to come to middle ground, the situation can quickly escalate and become emotionally stressful for everyone in the family.
Accepting another person's views may not be easy to do, but it is beneficial for personal growth and a step forward in removing obstacles that can damage life-long relationships. If both individuals are willing to communicate then being mindful to each other is crucial for success. Some strategies may include:
- Finding a comfortable, private area without interruptions, but if distance and time restraints make a face-to-face meeting impossible, talking on the phone is good as long as there are no time restrictions.
- Set goals. One important goal is to find common ground so that when the family is together, there is no tension or conflict for anyone.
- Indicate a willingness to try to understand the other person's point of view and ask for the same courtesy.
- At all costs, avoid using the word “you” and take ownership of words, thoughts and beliefs by using “I feel”, “I believe”.
- Be polite, do not interrupt and allow the other person to finish what he needs to say.
- Try to remain open.
If All Else Fails
A beneficial strategy to use if all else fails is recite The Serenity Prayer. “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference.”
Sometimes a person is so deeply entrenched in her own views she simply will not budge. At this stage, there's no point trying to force a situation that can not work. Walking away and accepting the fact that there is no resolution at this time is best but keep in mind that the situation can be re-visited from time-to-time. No matter what tension and conflict arises from the other person, disengaging and remaining neutral may be difficult, but it's important to prevent emotional conflict within the family.
Karen Stephenson - Karen has written for several newspapers and print media in addition to many online publications. She holds a B.A. in English and an ...
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