Most teenagers experience a normal transition in which they try to go from being dependent to independent. There will always be times of resistance toward parental authority. However, when healthy resistance takes on any form of aggressive behaviour then the parent becomes a victim of abuse. Aggressive behaviour can be psychological, physical, theft from the parent or property damage. Any form of abusive behaviour should not be tolerated.
According to the Canadian National Clearinghouse on Family Violence the abuse generally begins with verbal abuse. Usually the child or adolescent shows no remorse or guilt and feels justified in the behaviour.
There has been a sharp increase in parents reporting that they are abused by their adolescents. In 2004, “Parent Abuse on the Rise”, a journal written at Brigham Young University, reports that up to 33% of adolescents are abusive toward their parents. In 82% of these cases, the mother is the victim.
Thousands of teenagers are giving a clear message to their parents, “I am in control.” The truth of the matter is that they are. Some common behaviours include:
- intimidation
- playing mind games to make the parent feel crazy
- make unrealistic demands
- running away or staying out all night
- threatening to hurt the parent or a sibling
- using a suicide threat only to manipulate the parent into giving them what they want
- name calling the parent
What Went Wrong?
The obvious explanation to what is happening is a total lack of respect toward the parent and in many cases, toward anyone in an authoritative position. The onset of this is believed to be in the 1980’s when children’s rights groups became vocal. Many people believe the advocates created a positive awareness; however, they ultimately went too far. Rules and laws changed leaving parents with few rights.
There are four other factors that have influenced why teenagers have too much control: parental permissiveness, attachment issues, abuse the child has experienced or abuse the child has witnessed in the home.
Parental permissiveness is shown to be a strong factor in parent abuse, childhood aggression and overall deviant behaviour. In a study conducted in 1980 by Gluek, Gluek and Patterson (results reported in “Parent Abuse on the Rise”), it is stated that it is the inconsistent use of punishment that is the main contributing factor in parent abuse, not the use of punishment.
When teenagers have been abused as a young child, especially if they were sexually abused (and the parent is aware of the abuse), then sometimes the adolescent will use his past experience in a very devious manner in order to gain control. Sexual abuse victims have a high need for control in their interactions with others. Some abuse victims appear stubborn and rigid for control that they frequently engage in power struggles. Many victims use the empathy and compassion they receive to their perceived advantage.
If you are an Abused Parent
Regardless of the circumstances that created the situation of being an abused parent you need to take and maintain control. Set fair yet acceptable boundaries that you are willing to live by. Have natural consequences for when a boundary has been violated and stick to it. Never deviate from the boundaries you have set or else the abuse will perpetuate. Setting and maintaining boundaries takes courage and strength. Be sure to have a support team whether it is your partner, a friend or a therapist.
The Association of Parent Support Groups may be able to assist you or you may be able to find help in one of the MSN Support Groups.
Always remember, if conflict has crossed the boundary into abuse, you are not alone.
Karen Stephenson - Karen has written for several newspapers and print media in addition to many online publications. She holds a B.A. in English and an ...
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