More often than not, mothers of children who have disclosed sexual abuse have family members and friends ask: “How could you have not seen changes in your child?” These words act as a weapon and crush an already fragile emotional state. Angela Rivera is with “In Support of Sexually Abused Children” in London, England. She claims that one of the best methods in supporting a child who has disclosed sexual abuse, is to support the mother.
Disclosure
When a mother finds out her child has been sexually violated there is immediate shock. An overwhelming sensation that life has transformed from reality to surrealism shrouds the mother. This state of shock can last days, weeks and in serious cases, months.
Shock diminishes over time and many women experience physical repercussions. The immune system weakens and the cascade of negative emotions has been known to cause nausea and vomiting. Anger and guilt become entrenched in daily routines. Self-blame is common. Getting past this stage requires intensive support from family, friends and in many cases, counseling.
The final stage of healing after disclosure is acceptance. Dwelling on the abuse diminishes and daily tasks come easier once again. Nightmares may still occur and triggers will bring tears, but this is healthy.
Mom is the Target of Anger
Teenagers who were sexually abused as a young child hold a lot of anger toward their mothers. They feel their mothers should have seen signals that they were abused. As they go through sexual abuse counseling, anger comes out and it often is directed at their mothers. Children and teenagers find it much safer to direct feelings of anger toward their mothers, rather than at the abusers. Throughout the healing process for a sexually abused child, “mom” is seen to be at fault for being married to a sexual perpetrator. If the perpetrator was an uncle or other family member, the victim's anger is still real as the child feels his or her mother should have picked up on what was happening.
These feelings coincide with the National Clearinghouse on Family Violence in Canada. They report that most sexual abuse happens in the context of an ongoing relationship between the child and the abuser. This relationship gives the perpetrator opportunity to exploit the child's desires, fear and abuses his trust.
Life Has Changed
For some women, their lives have been radically altered. If the husband or partner was the perpetrator she will find herself on her own, often with little economic independence. She may find herself in a shelter and her life is reduced to total reliance on the system.
In cases in which an uncle is the abuser, women have lost their entire families. Grandparents refuse to accept that their adult child committed sexual abuse, therefore believing that the grandchild is a liar. The mother is seen as bringing shame to the family, as she should be “sweeping the incident under the rug” and not talking to anyone about the abuse.
There are even situations in which there were two or more perpetrators which further plummets the mother into emotional chaos. Sexual revictimization by muliple perpetrators is not uncommon and these children have more difficulties with psychological recovery. Mothers of these children experience many more difficulties in coping and recovery.
Another difficult factor that a mother needs to work through, is that once a child discloses, often mental health issues intensify. Post-traumatic stress disorder, borderline personality, anxiety and phobias are common among sexual abuse survivors.
Mothers are Key to Their Child's Healing
A child or teenager who has disclosed needs to vent his or her anger in a healthy manner. Many women will attest that they have become emotionally abused and in some cases, physically by their child. Allowing a child or teenager to abuse is not the solution and gives the child the wrong message. Abuse, no matter what form it takes, is wrong.
Having strong boundaries is not easy due to guilt, but they are essential. Above all else, seeking caregiver support groups or counseling to restore good emotional health is crucial. In turn, this will greatly benefit the mother to help her child recover.
Further Reading:
Child Abuse: The Aftermath of an Assault Disclosure
Parent Abuse is Domestic Violence
Abuse Victims: Help Support a Person in Need
Karen Stephenson - Karen has written for several newspapers and print media in addition to many online publications. She holds a B.A. in English and an ...
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